This is a rambling post that pisses even me off!

Emotional roller coasters. What a pain in the arse. Initially it is a thing that is detestable and unwanted. It can feel like your heart is being physically pried from your chest cavity. But after a few months I have noticed that my sorrow is changing. For now at least, it is a change for the better in that I am becoming increasingly introspective with most aspects of life and this has had a real impact on my decisions. Having said that, my ‘introspective mind’ is now questioning whether ‘Sorrow’ is the culprit/driving force of this change at all. Perhaps I am mistaken, perhaps it is actually guilt that is making me act the way I am.

Sometimes….Oftentimes, I find that I beat myself up over what could have been had I reacted differently. However, for every action, there is a reaction (I think both Buddha and Einstein said that), and I am certain that had I chosen to react differently, another form of guilt would have racked my eternal soul.

This is getting confusing now. But I persist.

I have also discovered through introspection, that I am somewhat closing myself off to new possible emotional connections (platonic ones emphasised here). When these relationships reach a certain breakthrough point, that is, when I am able to become more emotionally vested, I consciously pull back for fear of being let down. Now, I don’t necessarily attribute this to my recent failed relationship, rather, I think it is a culmination of all significant life experiences. Again, this is totally unrelated to my previous relationship but an example would be the one thing I loathe most – Betrayal.

Betrayal occurs at several levels, all of which are highly subjective. Each person holds other people at different standards. My standards arise from having very high expectations of my own judgement of character. I hold my friends to very high standards; Standards that they may not be aware of and/or even care about. Therefore, there can be a disconnect between my expectations and their behaviour. Unfortunately for me (boo-hoo), I usually suffer the most emotional injury when betrayal occurs. High expectations lead to dramatic disappointment.

Of course, this could again be attributed to something else, such as ‘Age’ (becoming more mature/bitter), but I doubt it. As I have harked on before, humans are social beings and crave interaction with other humans constantly.

So, I’ve completely lost my point now. But basically, my sorrow has evolved into introspection (a good thing); Which has morphed into emotional walls that is somehow related to betrayal by friends in the past (a bad thing); But perhaps it is now returning to introspection which can then find a path out of this emotional quagmire (a good thing).

 

Post Script: I completely understand if after reading this frustrating post you feel the need to punch me in the face

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