Self Worth

Warning: This is a depressing self pity post. Turn away now if you want to respect me as a male.

Lately I’ve been feeling uneasy. I’ve been reminded that this existence is fraught with cognitive and emotional hurdles. These hurdles, for the most part, stay upright and stable as long as you give them a wide enough berth, but get too close and they become fragile pestilences ready to explode on contact.

Today a somewhat compelling thought crossed my mind. I am nobody’s Best Man. I am neither here nor there (in more than the geographical sense). Other than my family, and a handful of friends, am I anybody’s real concern? I float in a meaningless buffer zone between meaningful relationships.

Perhaps this is all just self pity. Or perhaps this is the horseman that brings to light the importance of finding and holding onto someone who truly and unconditionally loves you…

…And one who I love back equally, if not more so.

Fuck I’ve made some mistakes in this life. To experience love as it is meant to be, once again, would be bliss. Where is the goodness of life that I used to live for?

I’ve always measured my success by the company I keep. Being in a foreign country has made me chase human connections. Not all have matched what I feel is my self worth. It’s a hell of a thing though. As the adage goes, you can only reap what you sow.

I’m trying my very best to sow.