It is that time of the year again when new or near new mothers start spamming their friends on social media to vote for their kid to be the next @Bonds baby search model.
I don’t know how to put it, and I am sorry, but I treat this vote like I judge 10 metre platform diving during the Olympics. I don’t give $2 on most days, but come baby modelling competition time, I am a seasoned pro.
There are a few things you need to consider before you request my vote.
Firstly, and I’m sorry, are the photos of your baby even professional?
No? OK, I guess I can still accept that given this is a social media campaign, but at least make your kid pose. It can’t be that hard – find a bed of flowers and plonk them down. Gimme some depth of field too. Trick me!
Secondly. Can I just say sorry again?
I’m Asian and even I cast a judgmental eye over your child. If it’s not white, or part thereof, there is a really slim chance that the thing is going to win – and even then, lets not assume all half castes are good looking. Many are not. The world is unfair. Deal with it, I have. #babycompetitionSoWhite.
Finally, is your kid ugly?
Try to be honest. It is hard, I know, but there is no use in lying to your child. Sooner or later, the cold hard reality of the viciously shallow world we live in is going to hit, and it is going to hit hard. Just like when I eventually become a parent and look back at this unjustifiably, humbug-esque, insensitive post.